Sexual Assault and Mental Health.

What are the effects of sexual assault on mental health?

Well, I will tell you what I know from personal experience.

I was sexually assaulted from around 6 years old to around 15. It was someone very close to me and I never really knew what to do about it. I knew that what this person was doing wasn't good but I had experienced it constantly from a young age, so I thought it was "normal" in a way. It wasn't normal. Not to anyone, except me. I didn't say anything to anyone about it for a very long time. Why would I? How could I? This person was a important member of my world and I didn't want it crashing down on everyone around me.

From a very young age I got my first glimpse of the term Sexual Assault. I thought about it a lot in my day to day life and it didn't help me in my self-harm phase either. It was such a weird concept to me. I knew what rape was and I knew it was bad, but that was all I knew from this person since I was a little girl. I still cared for this person, so how was it that bad?

When it came to my second serious sexual assault( please note I take all sexual assaults seriously, I'm referring to me personally), I didn't know what to do about it.

I loved this person. I cared for this person. I was in love with this person. How could he hurt me like that?

But, again, it was something I experienced as a child and didn't really know much about because its not culturally appropriate to talk about such matters.

I was raped at 18. I loved this person. I lost my virginity to this person. I was in a relationship with this person. How can someone rape you when you're in a relationship with them?

I got that question a lot from people that didn't believe me. Its a very simple concept, you see. I say no, you stop. I say stop, you stop. I say I don't want to do this anymore, YOU FUCKING STOP. I'm sorry mother, for the language. I have held on to this for so long.

Therapy helps a little. It helps you get back into daily routines and life. But what helps you when its 1 am and you can still feel the shove onto the bed? what helps when you can hear the words "shut up" in your head. What helps you when you can feel the hands behind your head? What helps?

Nothing. Nothing helps. I know that seems very contradictory from my first sentence, but its true. Nothing helps. That is there forever. You don't forget that. But, it gets easier to remember over time. It gets easier to sleep, eat, see yourself in the mirror. It gets easier every passing moment, but it doesn't stop.

It gets easier. It helps to have people around you that know your story, know you, and know what to do to help. Someone to hold you, listen, and ultimately care for you like that person never did.

These events have sculpted me into the person I am. They did not mold me, for I am not something that can be molded by a few events. But, they did chip a few pieces out of my sculpture. Only a few.

Do not let someone mold you by the wrongdoings they have done. Just take a chip in the shoulder or the leg and try your damnedest to sleep at night. Never forget.